Change Is Pushing Me forward.

And it’s keeping me alive.

“Change is painful, but nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.” ~ Mandy Hale

Photo by davisco on Unsplash

You should never stay where you’re don’t belong.

It’s even worse when you don’t get it and don’t realize you’re stuck. You feel like you’re doing stuff. You feel hopeful; then you’re sinking in quicksand, rising up, only to be pulled back down again.

You keep asking, what’s pulling me down? Why do I feel like this? But the answer eludes you as it did me.

I’ve made significant changes over the past year. I am writing again, publishing on Medium, and getting to know other writers. It’s been wonderful.

But the wonderful has been marked by periods of depression.

I know when it’s happening, but it’s too late to keep my mind from linking the past to the present and falling into that rabbit hole. At those times, life sucks and I don’t want to be here.

I can’t get myself to my laptop to write. I want to drown in my self-pity, get it over with, and start again in my next life. What’s the point anyways? There are almost 8 billion people in the world; one less won’t make any difference.

“There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” ~ C.S. Lewis

I don’t feel this way all the time, but it’s unexpected. Anything can set it off; picture, a song, the way the light hits the ocean at a certain time of day. Then the old feeling starts to arise.

I find myself with the dirty laundry list.

I expected my age wouldn’t be a factor when I applied to yoga studios as an instructor.

I expected that once I got published in the Startup that things would take off.

I expected my son would keep in touch after his wedding.

I expected that when I offered to help my nine-year-old grandson with his writing, set-up a time to Skype of Zoom, sent him stationery and stamps, and negotiated a time for this to come to fruition with the adults in his life, that they’d follow through.

I expected that a friend of an ex-friend who told me she wanted to stay in touch meant it. I was excited to see her Facebook page up again. But when I didn’t receive a confirmation for my friend, I checked her page only to find the Friend Request button had been removed.

This is not an exhaustive list.

I felt like every time I turned the other cheek I was slapped, and I was at the point I was out of cheeks. I couldn’t even turn my head back to look forward.

The world outside my window appeared bright and sunny for everyone else.

I felt insignificant and ignored, and I kept asking the universe why I was feeling this way.

Make it stop!

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it’s letting go.” ~ Hermann Hesse

Finally, it hit me.

As I lay in bed, my body becoming relaxed and languid, my mind entering that twilight phase between consciousness and unconsciousness, a voice in my head said:

“You’re living in the past and throwing-away the future.”

I knew then that I was a slave to my thoughts, my expectations of what I believed should be. I wasn’t embracing change in its entirety.

Then I heard:

“You have your life; they have theirs. Live yours, not theirs.”

At that point, I released them. I let the crap fall where it may. I believe in karma, and I’ll leave it in the hands of the universe. I felt lighter, happier, and more hopeful than I have in a long time.

Goodbye! If you want me, then you’ll have to find me.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I change myself.” ~ Rumi

Funny how the way to become unstuck was to realize I was stuck in the first place. I’m now looking forward because that’s where I’m going.

It’s an elementary fact of life: you can’t live in the past. It’s behind you for a reason. When you drive, you look out the front, not in the rearview mirror. It’s life telling you to move on, and when you disobey this natural law, things stop moving, they cease to flow.

You need to let life flow forward and allow change.

Ask the question and put it out there to the universe. Eventually, the answer will come. Expect nothing except that it will come when the time is right.

Just thinking this consciously and putting it at the forefront of my mind gave me the ability to see it for what it was. I dropped a hefty load.

You can, too.

Written by

Marilyn is a writer, yogi, and spiritual medium. Her favorite people are animals, especially ones that meow. She loves the ocean and hates one-use plastic.

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