I was wife #1 as well. He was having an affair, but denies ‘til this day. I was the one who left and it was the right thing to do as he didn’t have the guts to end it. I’m so glad he had an affair and I didn’t waste any more time on him.
By the sounds of things, wife #1 should write you a thank you letter. Your husband is psychologically abusing you and you need to leave before he completely tears you down. You probably already have PTSD. It’s a lousy example for your children and their self-esteem will suffer. You are staying home with them for him, so if you can’t leave him for yourself, do it for your children. Just get out, the sooner, the better.